It’s been a while since I’ve been anywhere online, and most of my appearances have been short and unfocused. There’s a very simple reason for that: I’m stuck in indecision. I don’t like to be inconsistent and indecisive publicly. Who does?
I’m not bothered or worried about it…just indecisive.
One thing I have decided upon: Caught Doin’ Good, in its public mission, has failed. CDG always was mostly a search, but I had intended to share my findings with the world. I had intended to force myself into enough positivity to produce clearly positive and inspirational stories to share with the world. I just didn’t succeed at that. I’m still breaking down what I did wrong: failed to set clear goals (including short-term and long-term goals), failed to network effectively (closely related to not having clearly definable goals), failed to focus on the project and not get distracted, etc…
Before I started CDG, I think my goals were so focused on making it happen that I lost sight of setting any clear goals once it started.
I should write this out a lot clearer and in more depth, but for now, suffice to say that it (in it’s public mission) is over.
I still have LOTS and LOTS of unused video, and I do intend to do something with it at some point, but I think I need time to process the experiences before I present them publicly, so that’s that.
Now the question is: What next?
I’m in Switzerland right now. Recently I got my official ID card here as a citizen, so I can find a job here now.
But very much to my surprise, I really don’t feel like I wanna live here. It’s beautiful, of course, but not every beautiful woman makes a good wife. Arranged marriage proponents would say, “Every woman can make a good wife if you decide to make her your wife”. But I’ve always been a bit more the dreamer/romantic.
I miss Japan a lot.
That’s something I never expected to happen. I passed through Japan in January, and something clicked in me then. After I left, I just wanted to be back. It’s been 6 months now, and I still regularly think about going back to Japan.
So here are my options as they stand in my mind:
1) Get a job here soon and delve into the routine of life here. A busy routine will clear a mind of all kinds of thoughts, and missing Japan will soon leave the forefront. But then what? What if I wake up 20 years down the line just saying, “I didn’t wanna live there in the first place anyway”.
2) Get a job here with a clear plan of staying for 1 year and deciding after I’ve given it more of a shot. My first reaction is, “Screw that! I really don’t feel like putting off deciding any more”.
3) Stay in Europe a couple more months visiting Italy and Greece (always been a dream) and more of Switzerland. Then hop on the trans-Siberian railway (also always been a dream) and take it across to the tip of Russia. Hop a boat to the northern tip of Japan and through walking and hitch-hiking, make my way across the country within the 3 month visa (again, a dream of mine). Spend some time making videos around the Tohoku area and documenting the situation as it is right now. Get a round-trip ticket to the US for the holidays to see my family and then back to Japan in the beginning of next year. Search for a job from the beginning of next year in Japan and plan to stay for good at that point.
If I choose #3, I’m putting in about 90% that I’ll be in Japan for the rest of my life, and Europe will always just be a vacation spot.
If I choose #1, Japan will slowly dwindle into a piece of my past and Europe will become my life and my future.
If I choose #2, I’m just choosing indecision.
Stuff to consider:
1) I’m a Swiss and British citizen, putting me in a perfect position to work and live here for the rest of my life without ever a hint of visa concerns.
2) I’m white. Japanese people aren’t. I look like I should fit in to Europe. I’ll never look like I fit in in Japan.
3) Saved money is finite. If I choose #1 or #2, I work immediately. If I choose #3, I continue putting off work for another 6 months minimum.
4) There’s always the chance that it’s just a “grass is always greener” effect, and as soon as I arrive in Japan, I’ll wish I was in Europe. Or maybe I just don’t wanna deal with working, and I’m finding excuses to put it off longer.
I’m not asking for help deciding…just felt like there are many people who have supported me SOO much over the years online, and right now I’m just leaving you all hanging, especially with CDG just being up in the air. I wanted to declare it publicly over.
And well, that’s what’s in my head. ^_^
Phil, glad to hear you’re ok. I was actually in the middle of searching for Japanese vids I could watch/listen to for practice then I randomly thought “Hey, I haven’t seen a TolokyoRaw vid in a while”. Of course I was aware (because of youtube) that you were doing a lot of travel, so naturally I was curious as to whether you were ok. I soon ended up here, and it’s a coincidence that I visited just a couple days after you wrote this post. Anyways, I wish you the best with your decision making, and please try not to over stress yourself. I’m usually not one to leave comments online, but I know it must’ve taken a lot to write out all your thoughts like this and I don’t want you to feel like what you’ve expressed is going unappreciated. All the best to ya~
Thanks so much for taking the time to write a comment…Yoyo is it?
I always know there’s a lot of people out there that are following along at a distance, but they’re often quite silent – it’s really nice to hear from everyone along the way. All that blabbering to say: your comment is appreciated!
I’m really impressed with all the places you’ve been, people you’ve met for the first time, and friends you’ve made. I’m certain anywhere you end up people will gladly gather around when you describe some of the things you’ve witnessed.
In fact, I’d vote you take route 3 so we can meetup when you’re back and you can share more about your travels. Of course, that’s a little selfish of me to make a vote like that, since I’m just interested in hanging out sometime, but a little selfishness isn’t always so bad
Just know that happiness in life primarily comes from spending time with family and the friends you’ve made. Fortunately, you’ve got a lot of friends in a lot of places (many of them in Japan) – and you’d no doubt make even more friends in Europe.
Tough choice, regardless of which way you go, hope to see you in Japan someday (I’ll buy the beer!)
Thanks so much for the encouragement Charles!
I got down on myself a little at first when I started to feel like this is never gonna really happen the way I thought it would, but then I stopped and realized all the amazing experiences I’ve had and all the things I’ve learned — it’s not without reason. ^_^ Just ’cause it didn’t work exactly as I had hoped doesn’t mean that it was a failure at all…just means that I was wrong about what it was supposed to be.
I’ve been thinking a lot about family over the past few years. I got out to Australia to meet my family there for the first time, and right now I’m in Switzerland to be with my brother and my mom is coming next week. Being able to spend time with them is worth pausing or even stopping my own plans at times. I definitely made the right choices there.
Hope to see you in Japan someday soon! (I’ll hold you to that beer offer. I’ll definitely be too broke to buy my own by the time I get there.
)